Foolishness, Wisdom, Love

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It is Sunday morning, and I am not going to church today, because my white blood cell count is down, and I am not brave like my friend Erika who puts on a surgical mask and gets out there in the world. Of course, Erika looks pretty adorable in her mask, and I just look kind of scary. Seriously, what do you think when you see a person wearing a mask? “I wonder what sort of terrible disease that person has?” And this, of course, brings up another question, which is why can’t I get over this concern over what other people think of me???

Anyway, since I am not going to church, I thought I’d write a Stumbling Scripture Studies blog, since I’ve had a thought or two, perhaps even interesting, that is shareable. And as always, please don’t think I write these blogs just to tell you what I think, or what you should think. I am very interested in your pertinent, nice and creative perspectives. And your prayers. These Stumbling Scripture Studies, at least at this point, are a record of my own struggles in this journey.

The Bible reading track I am on is currently in 1 Corinthians chapters 2 and 3. These chapters have really captured the essence of my problem, which is the wisdom of this world coming up against the foolishness of the message of the gospel. Hey, that’s not my assessment. That is Paul’s. Time and again in these chapters, Paul states that the things of God are foolishness to the natural man, and that “If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.” (1 Cor 3:18-19)

The point where I am in my faith is that I have resolved that I have been called to it, and that I am going to return to it however many times I run away. But it seems impossible for me to read the Bible or study my faith without looking at it through the  lens of the skeptic’s glasses. When I read this stuff about the wisdom of the world and the foolishness of God, half of me says, oh, aha, that is my problem, while the other half of me says, maybe this is because it really is foolishness. I can actually lay out that argument far more easily than the argument for faith’s wisdom. There is no argument for it. It is impossible to “witness for” the faith. When I read the scripts laid out for this purpose, it makes me cringe.

Faith, to me, is purely experiential. It can’t be argued, it can’t be taught. It has to be experienced. There have been enough times in my life that God has spoken to me, has acted in my life, that I have to open that door to him. But I think this is something anyone needs to experience for themselves. “Witnessing?” This is the only thing that I have ever been able to say to anyone that has made any sense: ask God to reveal himself to you. Say, “God if you are real, show me.” I used to say this with absolute certainty that God would do just that if given an opportunity. I still believe that. But in the many, many, many years since I first became a Christian (44 years to be precise), I have learned that resistance to the voice of God is deep.

Paul gives us a promise, however. He tells us that if we get over our wise old selves and allow ourselves to be fools, that the deep wisdom of God will be revealed to us. And I want that deep wisdom. I long for that deep wisdom. So let me be a fool.

If I should be wrong, and God doesn’t exist, and Christianity is just foolishness, what harm will be done if I am a fool? NONE. This is not to say that harm isn’t done in this world in the name of Christianity. It most certainly has been done, from early days through our own times. In this country today, the marriage between Christianity and the political right has been a spiritual disaster. It has bred a hate and intolerance that is completely out of step with what Jesus taught. It has bred a lack of caring for the needy among us that is purely Pharasaical, and which has been condemned by the Bible from start to finish. The Old Testament laws looked out for the poor, instructing landowners not to glean all from their fields, but to leave some for the poor among them to use. The early chapters of Isaiah may talk about the judgment on Israel for being unfaithful to God, but over and over again it talks about the greed of Israel and its lack of care for the poor. Isaiah says:

Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; put away the evil of your doings from before my eyes. Cease to do evil. Learn to do good. Seek justice, rebuke the oppressor, defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.

Jesus, when he lived on this earth, did not hang out with the rich. He did not fulfill what the Jews of the time wanted, which was to overthrow the Roman government and restore the glory of the Kingdom of Israel on earth. He came and cared for the poor and the sick. He had compassion on those who were hungry and fed them, and on those who were sick and healed them. He taught us that the greatest commandment is that we love God with all our hearts, and second only to that is that we love one another. He gave us a very specific picture of what this means in Matthew 25: 34-46:

Then the King will say to those on his right hand, “Come you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink; I was a stranger and you took me in; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me.”

Then the righteous will answer him, saying, “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and take you in, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you sick, or in prison, and come to you?” And the King will answer, “Assuredly I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.” 

Then he will also say to those on the left hand, “Depart from me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the evil and his angels, for I was hungry and you gave me no food; I was thirsty and you gave me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take me in, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.”

Then they will also answer him, saying, “Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty, or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?” Then he will answer them saying, “Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did it to me.” And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.

As far as I can see, the right wing agenda falls squarely on the left hand, and it has given the world a bad taste for Christians and Christ. But this is not who Jesus was. Many of us want to hide our faith because of this perception, but we can’t. As a recent article in Sojourner magazine put it, “We must learn how to ‘come out’ as Christians.” We need to show people that we live the love that Jesus taught. It is not up to us to judge the world. If we have faith, we should be absolutely assured of God’s ability to communicate to each individual what he wants for them in their own lives. If we have faith, we should not fear that we don’t have enough to share. If Jesus could feed 5,000 people with a few fish and loaves of bread, surely we could take in some refugees!

I have a long, long way to go to meet the standards of love that Jesus taught. I need to get off my duff and do it instead of just talking about it. Following Christ without reservation can only foster that in my life, and hopefully let others know that God really does love them. It will help me to become a mature believer to whom the deep things of God may be revealed. If I am a fool, well I will be a fool who has led a better life, and been a better person, for traveling the road I have chosen, or which has chosen me.

Midway through second chemo cycle

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Well, this second chemo cycle has definitely been more “exciting” than the first. I had quite a few more symptoms, including a fluttering in the chest, which ended up with me having to get an EKG and possibly having to wear a halter monitor at some point. It was almost constant the first few days after chemo but has gradually decreased to where I don’t have it at all now. At one point my home blood pressure monitor told me I had an irregular heartbeat, but the doctor said that it is likely harmless, that the dangerous irregular heartbeats are generally accompanied by a feeling of light headedness or faintness. I guess we will see in the next cycle what happens.

A couple of my family members, who I live with, got sick during this cycle as well. You all know my germophobia, which has been exacerbated by all the warnings about avoiding infections during chemo. So I have been worried. I don’t think you can live with someone who is sick and not be exposed. Generally the period of contagion starts the day before any symptoms even show themselves. I was also less concerned because my last white blood cell count had been 13.7, which is higher than normal. My labs this week, however, showed it had plummeted to 2.9, which is below normal.

This has honestly been the hardest part of chemo for me. Because I am already a germophobe and self conscious about it, I feel awkward. Asking other people to be aware of not just my idea of what I need, but my doctor’s assessments of what I need, often feels like I am inconveniencing them. It is awkward to say, “You are sick, so blah blah blah,” or “Please stay away from sick people,” or “Wash your hands and use hand sanitizer.” I feel as though it comes off like a part of my pre-existing phobia, when in reality it is not.

Even I don’t take it seriously enough. After my lab appointment this week I went to Target, where it seemed everybody was coughing and hacking. I guess this is Spring Flu Round Two. I hate it. I spent a lot of time holding my breath, avoiding people, and pulled my shirt up over my face a time or two. But I had medical masks in my bag, and I should have just put one on. I have been talking to a young woman in her 20’s who is currently receiving chemo for Hodgkins, and she has put me to shame, because she is actually wearing those masks when she goes out! I mean, what is wrong with me?

Well, in my defense, I also wear glasses, and when I put on a surgical mask it makes my glasses fog up. I bend, push, shove around, but still the glasses fog. Anybody have a solution for this? Any medical people out there who wear glasses?

Here is a funny story, though. I have been washing, sanitizing, and using gloves when I do things like change my grandson’s diapers, like I am supposed to. So the other morning I was babysitting, and he had made quite a mess with is breakfast, so I decided to just take him straight to a bath. I filled the sink, took him out of his high chair, then held him over the garbage can and released the diaper into it. When I did that he laughed, which should have been my first clue that something was wrong. So a minute later, there he is, in the sink, and I see things floating in the water, and I think, that doesn’t look like cereal. Turns out the diaper I’d popped off him had been poopy! So there I am, up to my elbows in poopy water. I scooped his wet self up, let the water out of the sink, cleaned it briefly with disinfectant, rinsed it, then put him back in and filled it with water and bubble bath. So much for my sterile techniques! And yes, afterwards I did bleach the sink out, along with all toys and washcloths that had been in it! And somehow I seem to have survived.

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So I have got to resolve to start taking better care of myself. And that includes diet. My diet before chemo was really good! But since chemo started it has gone all bad. Of course, I was told that I was not supposed to eat raw vegetables. I used to eat a variety of vegan sandwiches, but honestly eating them without vegetables made me gag. There are many vegan foods I used to like that suddenly I just couldn’t stomach. So I have been off my vegan diet, and I have been making pretty unhealthy food choices I must admit. I have had wild cravings for carbs for one thing.

This could be due to the crazy things being done to my blood sugar associated with the chemo. I take steroids for four days after every chemo infusion, and because steroids are known to raise blood sugar, the medication I was taking for diabetes was increased. I was even told that I might have to go on insulin. As it turns out, the effect on my blood sugar has been minimal. It goes up modestly after the steroids, but goes right back down. Meanwhile, I am continuing to take the increased medication, and given that my A1C before the increase was 5.9, I am not sure I needed it. I am perhaps happy to have it right now, because even eating all the carbs I am, my blood sugar is not reacting badly. But could it be why I am having the cravings in the first place?

Who knows? My body is under attack from many sides right now, so who knows which attack is doing what? But I don’t need to be adding to the assaults. I need to treat it gently, to give it all the good things it needs and to protect it from the bad.

Mentally, I have resolved to do the one thing that I have deliberately not done, and that is ask my doctor for a prognosis. On the one hand, after surgery and the PET scan, I told myself that I was cancer-free and all I had to do was mop up with chemo and radiation and then I’d be fine. But I was reading a breast cancer forum the other day, and at the end of each entry is a blurb about the person who wrote it, giving the date of diagnosis, the type of breast cancer, stage, treatment types and dates. I couldn’t help but notice the number of people who ended up with Stage 4 cancer after surgery, chemo, and radiation. As one woman put it:

Last treatment! All done.

Oops, never mind. Mets on liver.

My main concern just continues to be how I will get on with my life after this. I don’t have a job. My state disability will run out before my treatments are finished. I have a little bit of money to get me by for awhile, but not forever. I am wishing I could find a way to be self employed, something I could do sick or well, when white blood cells are high or low, while I am recovering from reconstructive surgery that I hope to have down the road, or even if I should need more treatment in the future. I don’t know if I will even be able to get a job! I know that you are not required to tell a prospective employer that you have just finished treatment for cancer, but I am too honest not to when they ask what I have been doing these last months when I haven’t been working. I’m praying really hard about this! I still have a family to help take care of!

For now I am hanging out in my room, reading, writing, snuggling my little dogs, bandana on my head and a mask on my bedside table, trying to focus on today and not to worry about tomorrow.