Well, this second chemo cycle has definitely been more “exciting” than the first. I had quite a few more symptoms, including a fluttering in the chest, which ended up with me having to get an EKG and possibly having to wear a halter monitor at some point. It was almost constant the first few days after chemo but has gradually decreased to where I don’t have it at all now. At one point my home blood pressure monitor told me I had an irregular heartbeat, but the doctor said that it is likely harmless, that the dangerous irregular heartbeats are generally accompanied by a feeling of light headedness or faintness. I guess we will see in the next cycle what happens.
A couple of my family members, who I live with, got sick during this cycle as well. You all know my germophobia, which has been exacerbated by all the warnings about avoiding infections during chemo. So I have been worried. I don’t think you can live with someone who is sick and not be exposed. Generally the period of contagion starts the day before any symptoms even show themselves. I was also less concerned because my last white blood cell count had been 13.7, which is higher than normal. My labs this week, however, showed it had plummeted to 2.9, which is below normal.
This has honestly been the hardest part of chemo for me. Because I am already a germophobe and self conscious about it, I feel awkward. Asking other people to be aware of not just my idea of what I need, but my doctor’s assessments of what I need, often feels like I am inconveniencing them. It is awkward to say, “You are sick, so blah blah blah,” or “Please stay away from sick people,” or “Wash your hands and use hand sanitizer.” I feel as though it comes off like a part of my pre-existing phobia, when in reality it is not.
Even I don’t take it seriously enough. After my lab appointment this week I went to Target, where it seemed everybody was coughing and hacking. I guess this is Spring Flu Round Two. I hate it. I spent a lot of time holding my breath, avoiding people, and pulled my shirt up over my face a time or two. But I had medical masks in my bag, and I should have just put one on. I have been talking to a young woman in her 20’s who is currently receiving chemo for Hodgkins, and she has put me to shame, because she is actually wearing those masks when she goes out! I mean, what is wrong with me?
Well, in my defense, I also wear glasses, and when I put on a surgical mask it makes my glasses fog up. I bend, push, shove around, but still the glasses fog. Anybody have a solution for this? Any medical people out there who wear glasses?
Here is a funny story, though. I have been washing, sanitizing, and using gloves when I do things like change my grandson’s diapers, like I am supposed to. So the other morning I was babysitting, and he had made quite a mess with is breakfast, so I decided to just take him straight to a bath. I filled the sink, took him out of his high chair, then held him over the garbage can and released the diaper into it. When I did that he laughed, which should have been my first clue that something was wrong. So a minute later, there he is, in the sink, and I see things floating in the water, and I think, that doesn’t look like cereal. Turns out the diaper I’d popped off him had been poopy! So there I am, up to my elbows in poopy water. I scooped his wet self up, let the water out of the sink, cleaned it briefly with disinfectant, rinsed it, then put him back in and filled it with water and bubble bath. So much for my sterile techniques! And yes, afterwards I did bleach the sink out, along with all toys and washcloths that had been in it! And somehow I seem to have survived.
So I have got to resolve to start taking better care of myself. And that includes diet. My diet before chemo was really good! But since chemo started it has gone all bad. Of course, I was told that I was not supposed to eat raw vegetables. I used to eat a variety of vegan sandwiches, but honestly eating them without vegetables made me gag. There are many vegan foods I used to like that suddenly I just couldn’t stomach. So I have been off my vegan diet, and I have been making pretty unhealthy food choices I must admit. I have had wild cravings for carbs for one thing.
This could be due to the crazy things being done to my blood sugar associated with the chemo. I take steroids for four days after every chemo infusion, and because steroids are known to raise blood sugar, the medication I was taking for diabetes was increased. I was even told that I might have to go on insulin. As it turns out, the effect on my blood sugar has been minimal. It goes up modestly after the steroids, but goes right back down. Meanwhile, I am continuing to take the increased medication, and given that my A1C before the increase was 5.9, I am not sure I needed it. I am perhaps happy to have it right now, because even eating all the carbs I am, my blood sugar is not reacting badly. But could it be why I am having the cravings in the first place?
Who knows? My body is under attack from many sides right now, so who knows which attack is doing what? But I don’t need to be adding to the assaults. I need to treat it gently, to give it all the good things it needs and to protect it from the bad.
Mentally, I have resolved to do the one thing that I have deliberately not done, and that is ask my doctor for a prognosis. On the one hand, after surgery and the PET scan, I told myself that I was cancer-free and all I had to do was mop up with chemo and radiation and then I’d be fine. But I was reading a breast cancer forum the other day, and at the end of each entry is a blurb about the person who wrote it, giving the date of diagnosis, the type of breast cancer, stage, treatment types and dates. I couldn’t help but notice the number of people who ended up with Stage 4 cancer after surgery, chemo, and radiation. As one woman put it:
Last treatment! All done.
Oops, never mind. Mets on liver.
My main concern just continues to be how I will get on with my life after this. I don’t have a job. My state disability will run out before my treatments are finished. I have a little bit of money to get me by for awhile, but not forever. I am wishing I could find a way to be self employed, something I could do sick or well, when white blood cells are high or low, while I am recovering from reconstructive surgery that I hope to have down the road, or even if I should need more treatment in the future. I don’t know if I will even be able to get a job! I know that you are not required to tell a prospective employer that you have just finished treatment for cancer, but I am too honest not to when they ask what I have been doing these last months when I haven’t been working. I’m praying really hard about this! I still have a family to help take care of!
For now I am hanging out in my room, reading, writing, snuggling my little dogs, bandana on my head and a mask on my bedside table, trying to focus on today and not to worry about tomorrow.